A time for Personal Reflection

Knowing that there are a lot of people who read this blog, I've not put much personal beliefs, feelings or thoughts into this blog. It's just too public. But today, I feel that I need to share some thoughts with the world. This is going to be incredibly personal, and I'm laying bare some fears and trials that I've had...so be gentle and treat this with care, please. :)

Not having a steady job for over a year has been an incredible trial. Not only financial and emotional, but a trial of my identity too. So much of my identity for the past 5 years has been wrapped up in being a "Teacher." When describing myself, that's the first thing I've always said. "I'm a Teacher!" Being without a steady teaching job for this past year really strained how I think of myself.

These past 5 days (has it only been 5 days?) since I signed that contract have felt incredibly different than my life the past year. I feel like I have a purpose again in my life. I feel like I have my 'identity' back.

Over the past year, if I didn't have a reason for getting dressed and leaving the house, I didn't. I didn't want to do anything remotely creative. I hardly cooked, I didn't scrapbook, I even tried to avoid my family and friends. I felt like such a total loser because I no longer knew who I was. I didn't have my "Teacher" role to define myself and I wandered around my little house lost. Drifting from TV to computer to books. I know I worried my husband, a lot! I know I worried my family, though I tried really really hard to hide it from them.

Last night, I wrote in my journal for 3 hours! I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m. this morning. I was reflecting on my new job and the renewed sense of self that I felt from it. Do you guys realize, that in the 5 days since I got my job, I've baked, I've scrapbooked, I've ridden my bike for no reason than for the enjoyment of the wind on my face, I've sat out in my garden, and tried new recipes?

That feeling of finding myself again really made me want to figure out how I even lost myself in the first place.

One of the things we encourage youth and teenagers to do is to not identify themselves with just one role or label, and here I was having done that exact same thing! How many of us have that one label that is our main focus? "I'm a Teacher!" or "I'm a wife!" or "I'm a Mother!" or "I'm a Business person!"

Last night and into this morning, I found myself trying to define who I am. I started out by defining my roles in life. "I'm a Teacher!" "I'm a Wife!" "I'm a daughter!" "I'm a Sister!" "I'm a member of this group or that..." In defining my roles, I was disappointed, because those roles don't encompass who I am. I'm more than all those things combined! There aren't enough roles to encompass me. So I started defining myself by what I know, by my skills and by my 'turn ons' or 'buttons'... those things that make me go "Oh cool! I want to learn that!"

I am Joanne! I am a Daughter of God and I am a Believer in Him and in His Plan. I believe in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer. I am a strong Woman with thoughts and ideas of my own and I cannot be constrained by standard groupings! Yes, I am a teacher, but I am also a student: Constantly searching for new knowledge of cultures, people, music, skills, things and more. I am a Wife, and in that role I serve as a counsellor, companion, co-worker, confidant and lover. I am an avid Reader, but not only do I read, I create. I know how to Sew, Scrapbook, Embroider, Paint, and do other artsy-fartsy things. I love taking photographs, and like to think I have a good eye for composition. I love to garden and I find that Herbs and Flowers not only beautify the Earth and my Home, but they serve purposes, and knowing the uses for different plants really excites me. I enjoy cooking, and not only can I read a recipe, but I can riff off that recipe. I'm not intimidated by baking and I can make jams and jellies, breads, cakes and all sorts of delicious foods. I love Music and am constantly searching for new styles, genres, artists and stuff I've never heard before. I have a rudimentary knowledge of how to play a piano and I can play the flute fairly well. I enjoy dancing and though I don't know many steps, I enjoy learning. I do know a couple of medieval dances and some ballroom steps, and I'm not afraid of looking silly while trying to learn more. I enjoy the Outdoors. I love camping, cooking over a fire, hiking, and swimming. I love going Pheasant Hunting with Mike and then taking those pheasants and cooking a fantastic meal with them. Even though I like such rustic and rough activities, I also know how to set a formal dining table AND I know what all those bits of silverware are for. I love to sing along with the radio when I'm alone. I even enjoy singing in Church, regardless of the fact that my singing is often off-key and changes keys faster than a janitor in a rush to get through a locked door. I am not afraid of technology and have recently learned to use on-line collaborative tools, improved my knowledge of Excel and Pivot-Tables, learned how to use Photo-shop, and I'm even learning rudimentary 3-d design. I am learning more about Architecture than I even thought I'd wanted to know and can now identify several major architects by looking at the buildings. If I don't know how to do something, I know how to find that information. Heck, Thanks to junior high shop class and learning by osmosis from my father, I can even use basic power tools and build something if I need to, though it won't be fancy.

If I were reading that paragraph about someone else, I'd think they were an amazing person, but to me, I, Me myself, I don't seem amazing to me. I don't feel like someone special. I've had conversations with people recently who have learned some of these things about me and told me that I'm an amazing and cool person. I have a hard time believing them. I guess I assume that everyone has or should have varied interests.

Like I said, this post is incredibly personal, but it's something I think I needed to share with the world. I have one final thought, though, that I want to say.

Heavenly Father has certainly blessed me with a multitude of talents. It is my duty to be a "good and faithful servant" (Matt. 25:14-30) and work to multiply and improve on my talents. I now exhort and challenge you all, reading this very personal blog posting, to develop your own varied lives. If something piques your interest, go for it! Even if it's not something you'd normally do. God has blessed you all with talents and intelligence. Show your gratitude for these blessings by doing everything possible to expand and improve. You never know when one of those skills you learned "because it seemed really cool" will come in handy to bless someone else's life or even the world!

What really started all of this is a quote I found recently by Charles Dickens... "Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortune, of which all man has some."